That's right, we will have the Wet Spots with us this year for the 'thon.

“Our goal is to have fun with people's ideas of what's sexy and what's secret, to help them enjoy, even just for an hour, the idea that sexual expression, be it kinky, queer, straight, whatever, is healthy, benign, … and funny.” – Cass King

The duo is inspired by the lyrical dexterity of Cole Porter, the hard-hitting satire of South Park, and the camp sincerity of Margaret Cho. When they step on stage – Cass in her corset and John in his signature costume of smoking jacket, sock garters and no pants – the pair presents an image that is vaudevillian, oversexed, and slightly wrong: fetish club by way of Monty Python. Using a lively blend of stand-up comedy, original songs, audience interaction, spankings and singalongs, the Wet Spots draw the crowd into a world where the libido is celebrated and satirized.  Their sweet harmonies and naïve enthusiasm win over any audience discomfort, and by the third song even the sceptics can be heard shouting along to “Smack My Bottom!”.

In their first year of performing together, the Wet Spots went from guest spots in seedy cabarets to headlining at seedy comedy clubs, which they took as a step up. Four years later, having sold out shows across Canada and the US, and developing a cult following with the success of their internet video, the duo travels the world with their unique blend of stand-up, song, and sex advocacy.

Despite (or rather, because of) their adult subject matter, Wet Spots songs have been licensed for TV shows like The L Word and several indie movies.  Their live credits include smash appearances at The Vancouver International (Canwest) Comedy Fest, the We're Funny That Way Queer Comedy Fest (Toronto), and the Cape Town Comedy Fest (South Africa), as well as many non-traditional venues, including The Centre for Sex and Culture (San Francisco), The Museum of Sex (NYC), and the Skin Two
Rubber Ball (UK).

Few are indifferent when it comes to their genre-busting act.  They have won critical acclaim for their "outrageously clever lyrics" (Georgia Straight) and "sophisticated showmanship" (Vancouver Sun). They have also been called "utterly without substance" and accused of "lowering the tone of the evening" (Cape Town Times). Confirming both opinions, The Wet Spots have become favourites on New York and London's cabaret circuits, AND on shock-jock Howard Stern's satellite radio station.

King and Woods met in Vancouver and married in 2003. Before becoming a Wet Spot, John was a singer-songwriter from Winnipeg who performed with pop and punk bands across Canada and England.  Cass was an award-winning spoken word artist and sex columnist, originally from Ontario who managed a pioneering Vancouver sexuality store. They currently live in Vancouver.

Here's a taste of the Wet Spots for ya!

Darklady's 7th Annual Portland Masturbate-a-Thon Presented by Darklady Productions, Inc. Darklady's Laboratory of Top Secret Sexxx Machines has declared this year's Portland Masturbate-a-thon "James Bond need-to-know time." I-Spy with your little eye an array of sex toys large and small, custom designed for any mission, no matter how impossible. Dress up in your mad scientist, secret agent (wo)man, femme fatale, arch nemesis, or hench(wo)man best and get smart about sexual satisfaction, fetish fun, romantic intrigue, fantasy fulfillment, and fundraising. You'll be in like Flynt when you cum for a cause!

Saturday, May 19, 2007
7:00 pm – 2:00 am
Opening Ritual at 9:00pm
Portland, OR

Silent Auction
Door Prizes
Casting Couch Exhibitionism
Cloakroom
Potluck
S/M play space & sensual Rubitorium
Massage Table

The ThrillHammer, Monkey Rocker, Sex Kitten, The Cone, & virgin voyage of a brand new sex machine!
Birthday fantasies for February, March, April & May
More, more, more!

$25 – without donation
$20 – w/hygiene, dry goods, or pet care product donation
RSVP Absolutely Required
Due to OLCC regulations, ages 21 and over
No wheelchair access into building
Limited scholarship opportunities available

Visit the Masturbate-a-Thon Cafe Press shop, for fabulous and wearable M-a-T swag

RSVP for secret lair coordinates & special instructions to Darklady.

"MASTURBATION: (Ipsism, onanism; Amatripsis-rubbing labia together, Manuxorate-male using hand, Maritate-female alone, Siphnianize-anal, Syntribate-rubbing thighs together, Triborgasmia-wife who masturbates husband) Masturbation generally refers to bringing oneself to orgasm using manual stimulation. If this is accomplished with the assistance of a partner it is then referred to as mutual masturbation, petting, or foreplay"

It’s National Masturbation Month again and you know what that means. But in case you don’t, I’ll clue you in. It means masturbating — for charity. And for those who live in Darkladyland it’s a great excuse for another party! I’ll be hosting my Second Annual Super Patriotic Portland Masturbate-a-Thon and Spring Fling on May 31st and although it’s still in the planning stages as I write this column I have every reason to believe it’s going to be another step in party – and Masturbate-a-Thon — evolution.

Perhaps you’re wondering what a Masturbate-a-Thon is. It all started five years ago when San Francisco sex toy and education shop Good Vibrations (http://www.goodvibes.com) and Seattle’s equivalent, Toys in Babeland (http://www.babeland.com) declared May "Masturbation Month." People were encouraged to get pledges from their friends for time spent masturbating at home and the funds raised were then donated to sex-positive causes. Two years ago my friend Carol Queen (http://www.carolqueen.com) took the concept a step further by inviting people to do their fund-raising masturbation together in a San Francisco theater while they chatted, socialized, watched porn, and earned prizes for endurance, multiple orgasms, and the like. It was great fun and helped raise money for Queen’s wonderful Center for Sex and Culture.

Inspired by Carol’s event, I decided to host my own Masturbate-a-Thon. It was the first event I’d ever organized outside of my own home and proved to be a whirlwind of sexy excitement and fun, as well as being – as they say in the world of delicate euphemisms – a learning experience. Now more fully educated, backed by a team of dedicated and creative volunteer Darklings, and with an amazing venue at my disposal I am ready for round two. With the help of individuals and companies interested in becoming sponsors by donating funds or products, this should be my biggest and best party to date.

This year’s Masturbate-a-Thon will feature Portland’s first “hand orgy,” live music, dance and ambient tunes spun by my own beloved DJ Furious Bee, erotic photo galleries, kinky and sensual play spaces, dancing, a sexy May Pole, naughty fortunes hidden inside helium balloons – and so much more. Profits from the event will be divided between four agencies that have my respect and admiration for their good work in their various fields of experience: Planned Parenthood of the Columbia/Willamette (http://www.ppcw.org), Cascade AIDS Project (http://www.cascadeaids.org), The Center for Sex and Culture (http://www.centerforsexandculture.com), and the National Coalition for Sexual Freedom (http://www.ncsfreedom.org).

Now that you know what a Masturbate-a-Thon is, what are you waiting for? Ladies and gentlemen, start your masturbating! For the latest on the Portland Masturbate-a-Thon, visit http://www.Masturbate-a-Thon.org.

While thumbing through one of my many sex-related books recently I came across a factoid that surprised and, to be honest, kinda nauseated me. So, of course I have to share it. According to The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices, the longest lasting (but thankfully least commonly used) naturally occurring human lubricant is nasal mucous. Apparently some people employ it during masturbation. Imagine that.

On second thought, don't.

Fortunately for those enthusiastic masturbators without a nasal mucus fetish, there are a plethora of far more palatable lubrication options available. The most common and least expensive one is, of course, saliva. Our bodies supply this slippery stuff pretty effortlessly in most cases. Naturally occurring lubrication is also secreted by the vagina in women and by the penis as pre-ejaculate in men. But sometimes this isn't enough and that's why modern science has selflessly set about creating an array of gels, lotions, oils and other lubes for our solo and partnered sensual pleasure.

We like to think that our own natural juices are more than ample for any sexual job we might undertake. But there are a number of reasons why that's not always the case. Our age, our health, what we eat, where we are in our menstrual cycle, what medications we take, how much and what kind of sex we're having can all influence the amount and consistency of our fluid levels. If we're menopausal or having anal sex, the need for additional lubrication is especially important. Many men like to use lubricants during masturbation because stroking a dry penis can be uncomfortable, especially if their skin is sensitive.

Throughout history, people have employed a variety of oils, fats, creams and lotions to help reduce friction during intercourse or solo sex, but ultimately they just aren't as desirable as water-based or silicone lubes. Although they last longer and don't get sticky over time, oils and fats remain on the skin long after you're finished using them, can stain cloth, attract dirt and bacteria, and play hell on latex barriers such as condoms and dental dams. Scented products that aren't specifically designed for sexual use can sting and burn tender tissues. Lotions and creams tend to be soaked up by the skin before they've done their job. Because of these factors, "personal lubricants" are probably the most commonly available sex product on the market.

Because they are safe on condoms, the most commonly recommended lubricants on the market are water-based. K-Y Jelly is a classic example of a water-based lube, although it also dries out quickly due to its thicker consistency. People with delicate skin generally have good results from water-based lubes, especially those without Nonoxynol-9, a spermicide that's been shown to cause irritation and, as a result, actually increase the risk of women contracting STDs.

Those with especially sensitive skin, an interest in being sexual in the bath or hot tub, or a desire for an oil-like lubricant that's kind to latex often find that silicon-based lubes fit the bill. I-D Millennium and Wet Platinum are two examples. Silicon lubes tend to be more expensive per-ounce, but since they last longer and don't get sticky as quickly as water-based lubes, the actual long-term cost per use is likely to be less. They also tend to transmit warmth and sensation better. Two cautions: because they're so slippery, extra care should be exercised by men who like to place lube inside of their condoms. Whether it's for intercourse or solo sex (yes, some men like to use condoms as masturbation toys), silicon lubed condoms will be slightly more slippery and thus can come off more easily. Also, if you're going to be playing with silicon toys, such as dildos or butt plugs, silicon-based lubes can damage them. However, if you cover the toys with a condom and properly clean them once you're finished, there's no reason not to use your favorite silicon lube.

Although there are no hard and fast rules about which lubes go with which kinds of sex, certain qualities work best within certain sexual contexts. For instance, super-slick emollient lubes such as Astroglide, Probe, Liquid Silk, or ID work especially well rapid motions associated with vaginal penetration or male solo sex, although they can also dry quickly. A sprits of water refreshes them, however. Because there is so little natural lubrication in the anus and rectum, heavier, more viscous lubes such as Maximus, Embrace, or ForPlay are good for coating the delicate interiors prior to penetration with a penis or toy. Once you're ready for the main show and things have heated up, applying your favorite slick lube will do additional wonders. Jelly lubes can be especially good for anal play due to their consistency and endurance.

Sometimes it's fun to put your mouth somewhere that's had lube on it. Most non-flavored lubes have a fairly benign taste – but they're still not a lot of fun to have on your tongue. Today there is a wide assortment of flavors available in lubes and massage oils. They range everywhere from mild palate pleasers such as strawberry-kiwi, vanilla, melon, apple, grape, and Pina-Colada to some pretty wild and spicy flavors, including some that heat up when breathed upon — specifically targeted toward those who like it truly hot. When applying a flavored lubricant internally, make sure it's sugar-free; otherwise you open yourself up for possible unpleasantness, including yeast infections.

And regardless of what kind of lubricant you're using or what you're doing with it, that's nothing to sneeze at.

Selecting a vibrator or other sex toy can be a very frustrating experience, which is ironic since frustration is what you're trying to resolve by making the purchase in the first place. Nonetheless, with the amazing number of alternatives to select from, the wide range of prices, rainbow of colors, abundance of clever concepts, array of materials, and the eternal question of buzzing vs. whirring vs. rotating vs. static – it's not too surprising that one can easily feel overwhelmed, uninformed and even a little desperate during the process. Selecting a vibrator as a gift for a friend can be even more intimidating.

Fortunately, this is an area where the art of love and the science of technology are compatible. With a little knowledge and forethought, the process of choosing a toy – whether it's your first or your 40th – can be rather enjoyable, perhaps even a form of foreplay. Regardless of context, one's results are always improved by using the right tool for any job. Sex toys are no different. In order to determine which of the many pretty packages of fun sex tools is correct for your fleshly project, there are a number of important questions to ask. Among them are:

Who will use the toy?

Why will they use the toy?

When will they use the toy?

Where will they use the toy?

What kind of sensation are they hoping to experience?

These questions may seem unusual, but once they have been answered, it will be much easier to determine the kind of toy best suited for the job at hand and the person employing it.

Who will use the toy
When answering this question, consider the age, gender, overall health, and physical and emotional condition of the person who'll be enjoying this item. A young, slim, or sexually inexperienced woman may well be better suited for a different kind of vibrator than an older, heavier, or more sexually experienced woman, for instance. Furthermore, a pregnant woman may want to focus more on clitoral stimulation than vaginal penetration, a factor that influences the decision making process. A man's enjoyment will depend on a number of different factors from a woman and a transgendered person likewise has unique sensual needs. Allergies are also important to consider, since sensitivities to latex or other common sex toy materials will affect what items will be suitable for use and under what circumstances. Also, remember to consider the state of mind of the user. Are they comfortable with masturbation or use of toys or are they apprehensive, possibly even morally conflicted?

Why will they use the toy
Will this device be used primarily for solo sex or as part of partnered sex? In order to enhance orgasm or in order to help improve orgasmic response? Is the user "in training" and working up to larger toys for anal or vaginal sex? Are they monogamous but seeking a double penetration experience? In the case of post-operative transgendered women, is the goal to increase vaginal elasticity? Is the user emotionally uncomfortable with certain kinds of touch and hoping to become more used to the sensation by use of a toy? If a man, is he seeking to increase endurance, decrease/increase sensation, or alter the appearance of their genitals in some way? Is the toy part of experimentation or purchased out of a feeling of necessity, perhaps after surgery or due to a medical condition? Each of these elements can influence which toys are more appropriate for the user.

When will they use the toy
Is this new toy going to be used before or during sex with another person, either privately or during a party? Or will it be used only during the owner's alone time? Will it sometimes replace or supplement a partner's mouth, hand, or genitals? Will it be used as part of a more elaborate sexual scenario? Will it be used frequently or only occasionally? Does the recipient travel and need something small to carry with them, perhaps in a pocket or purse? Some objects will draw more attention than others if they pass through airport security. A favorite metal cock ring or cage might be embarrassing to explain, for instance. But a snapping leather strap can be worn on the wrist, while a simple black rubber ring will go unnoticed through an X-ray machine.

Where will they use the toy
Do they need to be discreet while using the item in question or might they want to show it off to others? Will battery buzz or vibration sounds be acceptable or should the object be silent? Do they want to be more sexual in the shower or another aquatic environment? The clit-delicious vibrator perfect for using during doggie-style probably isn't the best choice for masturbation during a bubble bath or in the hot tub. Will it be used indoors or outdoors? Giving someone an electric vibrator to take on camping trips might not be as practical as a battery driven vibe or a hand-operated dildo, for example.

What kind of sensation are they hoping to experience
For women, the big question is generally whether vaginal or clitoral stimulation is the goal. If vaginal, is the G-Spot a target for pleasure or does she desire a feeling of fullness? In all cases, personal preference should be considered when evaluating vibration intensity. Some women prefer the more gentle vibration of some battery operated vibes while others adore the more aggressive stimulation of an electric massager. Both men and woman can enjoy anal penetration and/or stimulation. Some women find that it can enhance G-Spot sensation – and the male prostate nearly always likes some attention. Anal vibration generally does little for women, although many men find that their prostate enjoys the extra stimulation. Make sure anything used for anal play has a flanged bottom or some other method of making sure it doesn't slip inside, especially if it vibrates. It doesn't take much heat to put the rectum at risk. If a penile constriction device of some sort is desired, what sort of pressure does the man prefer and how quickly and easily will he want to be able to remove the ring?

By answering these questions, the dizzying array of candy colored sex toys on the shelves will become less confusing and your choices will more appropriately cater to the sensual needs in question.

Darklady is dating again. Alert the authorities. Leaflet the press. Clear the streets. Warn parents of good conscience. Double bolt the front door. Do not look directly into her eyes. Do not get close enough to smell her cologne (dark amber, thanks for asking). For the sake of your soul, do not engage her in conversation.

As part of my nefarious plan to further infiltrate the mainstream, I have recently had a few dates with a few men who will make wonderful partners for a few lucky women once they finally meet one another. I’ve been called a “dangerous woman,” been told that all dates start as “one-night stands” with bonus rounds earned after the goods have been sampled, and been reminded by my therapist that it’s possible to live a fulfilling and un-partnered life. Not bad for my first month of official singularity. I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Shortly after my first foray into the wonderful world of 21st century dating, I was released from post-surgical restrictions against both sex and tub bathing. I declined a generous offer of goods inspection from an eager date and opted instead for a dragon’s blood scented bubble bath. I made the right decision. There is no performance anxiety in the bath tub. No need to make idle conversation or wonder if I should shut up. No worry about whether my scars have freaked anybody out. No concern about whether I’m emotionally stable enough to enjoy the experience and keep it in perspective. In the bath tub there are no hidden agendas, no unspoken expectations, no silent moments requiring a psychic to fully comprehend the implications. All I need to do is lay back, sink into the hot, fragrant, and foamed water, rest my hands wherever they land, and smooth the tension out of my body however feels right. No wracking my brain for a name in the morning, no wondering when I can have my privacy back, no hunting for spent condoms, no explaining that I really need to get back to work and that no, I don’t need any help.

I find it amusing that some people call me the “Masturbation lady,” because of my annual May Masturbate-a-thon fundraiser, although I suppose it’s a natural association. It’s amusing because I’m still such a fledgling masturbator. I’m easily distracted, surprisingly self-conscious, and have a hard time committing time to the worthy activity. Given that I slept in the same room as my mom until I was 21, my opportunities for anything more than furtive, utilitarian exploration had to wait until later in life. Fortunately, and quite accidentally, my mom introduced me to the discreet pleasures of the shower massage, which has been a faithful partner in carnality ever since, regardless of my relationship status. (Cheap Plug: learn more about my shower massage by reading my essay, “Mother, May I” in the Black Book anthology Guilty Pleasures.)

The more I date, the more I appreciate masturbation and hot bubble baths. They help me to think more clearly and avoid making potentially stupid decisions. Good Vibrations has declared May National Masturbation Month, so it’s a great excuse for me to temporarily bow out of the awkward early dating sex bee dance and conduct a systems check to make sure everything still works. I can think of a lot worse ways to end an evening than with a hot bubble bath and a satisfying shower massage.

More info can be found at:
http://www.blackbooks.com
http://www.goodvibes.com
http://www.masturbate-a-thon.org

"MASTURBATION: (Ipsism, onanism; Amatripsis-rubbing labia together, Manuxorate-male using hand, Maritate-female alone, Siphnianize-anal, Syntribate-rubbing thighs together, Triborgasmia-wife who masturbates husband) Masturbation generally refers to bringing oneself to orgasm using manual stimulation. If this is accomplished with the assistance of a partner it is then referred to as mutual masturbation, petting, or foreplay." — Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices

As children, we explore the world around us in order to become familiar with it and find our place within it. We crawl, we place all manner of things in our mouths, we grab at and touch anything we can get our information hungry little hands on. We are scientists in a strange world, investigating an infinity of shapes, textures, tastes, and sensations. Whether or not we are born with the ability to see or hear, we live in our bodies and only time and experience helps us make sense of them.

Most parents are eager to assist in this grand adventure of discovery, playing whimsical "name the body part" games that ultimately help lead to a sense of identity and commonality. Eyes, ears, nose, mouth, lips, fingers, hands, feet� each precious inch of our wee bodies is cheerfully and lovingly identified. But the game breaks down once we reach what is hidden inside of our diapers. Clever euphemisms are used to describe our genitals and we are, mysteriously, discouraged – sometimes vigorously – from touching or becoming familiar with these delightful collections of soft tissue. Yet babies and toddlers are frequently found absentmindedly tugging or touching themselves below the waist and above the knees and they are often just as frequently told not to do so. Many of us learn young that our genitals are mysterious and powerful, to be feared and avoided, if not actively reviled.

Nonetheless, masturbation is a normal part of sexual development and maturity. Boys generally experience their first ejaculations between the ages of ten and 13 years. In primates, when this normal part of sexual progress and maturity is disrupted, the animal develops problems functioning sexually, as compared to others allowed to engage in self-stimulation. The probability that this also occurs in humans seems quite high, especially given the greater complexity of social interactions in humans and the equally great importance of emotional and sensual empathy in determining their success. Masturbation is, after all, the body's way of making sure that all systems are "go" and providing the individual a venue for sexual rehearsal for partnered sex. How then, did it become the bad boy of sexuality?

Masturbation has never had the smoothest of social rides but the modern world certainly saw a radical rise in hostility against the peaceful form of sexuality during the 18th century, when a concerted and organized movement to suppress it began its rise to power. Initially condemned by the Puritans for being non-procreative, the Victorians combated it on medical grounds, claiming that it was exclusively an unhealthy, self-abusive preoccupation of the morally degenerate or mentally ill. Books were written warning men against the inevitability of disease caused by this wasting of their seed and vital life energy. If continued for too long, masturbation was believed to essentially castrate a man. Women, it was insisted, would never indulge in such inappropriate behavior unless insane or required (and administered) by a medical provider as a resolution to hysteria. Insane asylums were packed with masturbators, and it was believed that the practice was "an almost insuperable obstacle in the way of their recovery." Such an opinion, vigorously promoted by the medical profession, fueled public fears and spurred efforts by parents to save their offspring from the scourge of masturbation. The methods were often extreme and sometimes, especially by today's standards, cruelly abusive.

Penis harnesses were specially constructed to discourage and punish the nighttime erections of young boys and men. The 1894 – 5 edition of International Medicine reported the ongoing efforts of a doctor to stop the masturbation of a young female patient. First he cauterized her clitoris. When that failed to end the behavior, he infibulated the area with silver wire. After she worked the wire loose, he surgically removed the offending clitoris. Documents exist dated as late as 1897 relating the application of the ultimate cure to male masturbation: castration.

Today the medical community has a profoundly different take on masturbation, although it is still politically incorrect to promote it too vigorously. Surgeon General of the U.S. Dr. Joycelyn Elders discovered this to be true in 1995 when she was fired from her position for recommending that masturbation should be discussed as part of human sexuality education. Religious objections aside, masturbation is gaining acceptance as a healthy way to prepare for couple sex, safely experiment with various sensual methods and erotic sensations, relieve stress, gain familiarity with one's own body, avoid spreading of contracting STD's, and help control population growth. Some sex therapists have even used it successfully as part of substance abuse programs, encouraging patients to transfer their desire for pleasure stimulus into a healthy activity that has the capacity to ultimately lead to increased intimacy. Women with limited luck achieving orgasm through partnered sex are often able to increase their capacity for solo and shared pleasure by allowing themselves to explore self-loving.

Both men and women are overcoming the archaic guilt and shame needlessly associated with the natural urge for solo sex. In fact, many are integrating it into their lives both as an important part of their private sexual time, as well as their life of shared sensuality.